I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
