ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
