i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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