He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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