The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
