your thong is hanging out like whoa
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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