I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
