Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
