I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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