You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
