TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
