I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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