i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
