his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
