I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
