Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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