Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
