i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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