i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
