I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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