The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
