Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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