I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
