grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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