if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
