I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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