I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
