winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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