how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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