i just wanna soil my oats bro
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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