He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
