Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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