it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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