just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
