I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
two words: eviction party
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
