I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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