I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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