Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I don't want my vagina anymore.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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