My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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