i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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