my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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