i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
