Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
