Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
whose ass print is on the piano?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just puked most of my soul out..
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
