dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
