I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize