You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
