I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
