T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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