I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
