I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize