my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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