Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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