Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
