I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
