2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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