WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
