It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
