He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
